Scared and Lost Part 2

I will never forget the conversation that changed my life. Hi, I am Amanda Jordan, an author, certified weight loss coach, and advanced nutritionist. I wasn’t always these things; in fact, if you met me five years ago, you wouldn’t believe this is where I would end up. I was significantly overweight with multiple health problems and no idea how to get help. If you are just joining me for the first time, be sure to read my post, Slowly killing myself to see how my journey started. If you have been here before, thanks for coming back. I am glad you are here. Let’s continue…

After I realized that I was in real trouble and headed down a terrifying path, I sunk into a very real depression. I tried to pull myself out of it and stay positive, but it was so hard. I started meditating, which helped with the depression a little bit, but I felt lost every time I looked in the mirror. I didn’t recognize the woman looking back at me, and I would get depressed all over again. I so badly wanted to change, but I didn’t know how or what to do.

My husband could see that I was struggling, and he wanted to help, but he was just as lost as I was. He tried to be supportive and understanding, and he offered me advice on exercises, and diets, which we would start and do successfully for a couple of weeks and then back to our old ways. I quickly realized that we couldn’t help each other if we kept sabotaging each other. We knew that if one of us wanted to slip and fall off the diet wagon, it would be easy to drag the other one with us, and that is precisely what we did over and over again. We loved each other so much, but we were both clueless about how to help each other.

Hubby and I in 2016

After my aunt died, I started thinking of changes that needed to be made in my life. As we drove to Oregon for her celebration of life with my oldest son and his pregnant girlfriend in the back, I started to think again about how much I had to live for. I had this amazing husband who loved me unconditionally, and together we had seven growing boys and a grandchild on the way. I had so much to live for. I told myself that I would dedicate my time to changing my life for the better.

We arrived at my aunt’s house and were greeted by my parents and cousins. I saw her walker and a dozen pill bottles as I looked around her house. I saw how she had stuff set up around her chair, so she didn’t have to get up to get it. I started thinking back to the last year of her life and how diabetes had taken over. Her feet were always puffy and swollen, making it hard to walk. She was in and out of the hospital all the time, and she was in constant pain. I started to think about how her life was no life at all. I didn’t want to end up like that, and I was terrified. After the memorial, we headed home and stopped by Multnomah Falls in Oregon to sightsee and take pictures. When we drove away, I looked at the pictures and realized how bad I looked. Not just the fact that I had put more weight on, but my skin and hair were dull, and I looked much older than I was. I looked at the picture of me standing next to my amazing husband in front of this beautiful waterfall, and all I wanted to do was cry and delete the photo. I realized how badly I wanted to change as I started to tear up.  

I woke up the next day feeling incredible. I sat down at my desk and started writing a goal list for 2017. I chose the word shining as my word for the year because I was determined to make changes and shine. I made a pretty sign to hang up to see it every day, and I messaged my best friend for advice on the next step. She gave me some great advice about taking steps to reach my goals and figure out when I wanted them completed. I was ready to get started, and then it hit me. I had no idea what steps to take. I began to feel defeated before I was even got going. I sat there in disbelief and feeling completely lost when my husband walked in. Knowing something was wrong, he sat next to me and listened as I spilled out all my thoughts and fears. I started to cry and shook my head. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I looked at my husband and said, “I am not living my best life or making the best choices, and if I don’t get the help, I will die.” He sat back and said, “You are not dying, babe.” I could hear the annoyance in his voice, and I started to get mad, and then I realized he didn’t understand what I meant. I took a deep breath, and I said, “an unhealthy life ends in an unhealthy death, and I don’t want to die in misery and pain because I made bad life choices.”

Understanding that I had just lost my aunt for the same reasons, he asked me what advice I would give her if I had known what was coming. I thought about this and her life, and I could see that this happened gradually over time. She didn’t wake up one day overweight with health problems. They happened by choices she made over her entire life. In the last couple of years of her life, I had noticed that she stopped doing things she always had. She didn’t go out and garden anymore or bake her homemade cinnamon rolls that we all loved. She barely got up or walked; in fact, she asked everyone else to get things for her, and each day she got worse and worse. I realized how many similarities we had and how I was headed down the same road she did. I told my husband all of this and waited for his response. He stared at me for what felt like an eternity, and then he said to me that I needed to make an appointment with my doctor and find out what needed to be done. He told me he would go with me and do whatever it took to help me get healthy. I knew then just how lucky I was. I called the doctor right then and made an appointment for the next day. I was ready to start my new life, a healthy life.

Stay tuned for more on my journey and how I lost 100 pounds and have kept it off…

Amanda Jordan
Author/Weight Loss Coach/Advanced Nutritionist

About Amanda Jordan

Amanda Jordan is a writer, specializing in fitness for women, especially those just beginning their fitness journey. She combines life as a freelance writer with teaching effective meal planning and targeted exercise routines. Amanda has firsthand knowledge of what life is like being overweight and unhealthy. Through many means, she has personally lost over 80 pounds and become a healthy woman.

1 Comment

  1. […] joining me for the first time, please be sure to read my first two blog posts about my journey to weight loss and being healthy. Thank you for returning if you have been here before, and I am glad you are […]

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